Parenting 101: The Naughty Spot - Part Two

The Naughty Spot is so good because:

1.  It stops an escalation of bad behaviors before you and child get out of control.

2.  It gives your child, and you, a chance to calm down once they are on and stay on.

3. Most importantly, it gives you a teaching moment after you are both calm and have reflected.

The teacher at our class taught us to have a very specific conversation with our child when we are getting them off the NS.  It is the most powerful, important part of the whole component.  It gives your child a chance to think of the correct choices to make next time they are in the situation and to put them back in it the situation now and have them make it now.

So here's the list of questions you ask them when you sit down with them on the spot after their time is up.  (Don't let them get you into the coercion cycle by bringing up other things.  If they aren't willing to be serious and give you thoughtful answers then leave them again and come back a few mintues later.)

1.  Why were you on the Naughty Spot?  (They should respond by telling you what physical thing they did, "I hit my brother."  I found that previous to this class that is all I would focus on.  I'd ask them what they did and then tell them it wasn't acceptable and ask for an apology.  That was good but missing SO much.)

2.  What were you wanting? Why did you ____________ ?  (This has been an amazing part to me.  They should respond by telling you what feeling and situation caused them to be so frustrated/angry etc.  This helps them get to the root of the problem.  They were feeling a BIG feeling and they didn't know how to control it or just didn't control it so they did X.  Asking them this takes the emphasis off the naughty behavior and focuses it on helping them to IDENTIFY and UNDERSTAND their feelings.)

3.  Did you get what you wanted? (They should always say no because you stopped them from getting what they wanted from the bad behavior and sent them to the Naughty Spot instead.  They will realise their behavior was ineffective.)

4.  What should you do next time?  (Let them come up with  2-4 good alternatives.  Don't jump in and give them the solutions, let them think for a minute and come up with them theirselves.  Coach them a little if they need help coming up with more than one or two.)

5.  What are you going to do now?  (Have them chose one of the solutions they just came up with and then take them back to the situation they just got put on the naughty spot for and have them act out the alternative. 

For instance, Noah gets put on the NS because he wanted to play with a toy that Max had, Max wouldn't give it to him, and so Noah hit Max.  Noah's solutions could be to chose another toy to play with, ask Max to give him a turn with it in a few minutes and then wait patiently until it was his turn, let Max have the toy, or find something else fun for both of them to do.  Noah chose to find something else to play with so I would go with him to Max and have him apologise for hitting and then help him find another toy to play with.  I make sure to praise him for making a great decision and doing it.)

Parenting 101: Three Strikes and You're Out & the Naughty Spot - Part 1

At this class I learned that if a child does more than 3 naughty behaviors in 30 minutes BOTH of you will be at your wits end.  Three is the maximum end of pretty tolerable, so that's why you keep it at that.  Three strikes and you're out!

Did you know, and if you are a parent you will be shaking your head yes, that you can get "angry drunk"?  That's when your kids have done so many naughty things in short span of time that you feel like you are going to lose it, you can't think, that mean ugly angry feeling is so big in your chest that IT is all you can think about and you are not rational?  That's what "angry drunk" means and we have all been there.  Our kids have too.  If you let them get so out of control that they have done that many naughty things in a row and it has escalated to "angry drunk" they can't control themselves either.  You've got to stop it at 3 naughties per half hour and you do that by giving them some time to cool down by themselves and then think about their behavior.

When they do a naughty behavior you need to define it.  Immediately tell them, "Noah, that is arguing and it's not allowed in our family.  You have one strike."

Or a few minutes later, "Noah, that is yelling and it's not allowed in our family.  You have two strikes now."

Three strikes and they are on the naughty spot.

30 minutes after the first strike their strikes "expire" and you and they start over.  Hopefully you will get to that point instead of them reaching 3 strikes and having to go on the Naughty Spot.  Our teacher told us that most of the time if a child is going to get to three strikes it will be when they are agitated enough that they will do them all in less than a minute. 

Here is a list from our teacher of Naughty Behaviors:

Arguing, Attitude, Bad Attitude, Bullying, Cheating, Crying, Being Critical, Disrespectful, Hands, Feet, and Objects to Self, Inappropriate Behavior, Inappropriate Body Language, Inappropriate Comment, Inappropriate Facial Expression, Inappropriate Sound, Lying, Manipulation, Non-Compliance, Out of Seat (like for meals), Off Task, Physical Aggresion, Pouting, Personal Space, Rude, Stealing, Swearing, Tattling, Talking Back, Teasing, Verbal Agression, Whining, Yelling.

All of those should get a strike but if your child does either Physical Aggresion, Verbal Agression (which is saying you are going to hurt someone), or gets to the third command in a Precision Command without complying, they go straight to the naughty spot no matter  how few strikes they have.  Three strikes and they are on the Naughty Spot.

A lot of time parents say the Naughty Spot, or Time Out, or Think Time doesn't work.  You have to be consistent and non-reactive.  Most likely, the first couple of times they will test you and not stay in the designated spot in the way that you tell them beforehand is acceptable.  You just keep picking them up WITHOUT making eye contact or talking (don't get into the coercion cycle with them) and place them back on the spot.  Stay calm.  Don't escalate the situation; that's what they want.  You may have to put them on 40 times in a row.  (You will get your workout for the day.)  After they stay put and are quiet, then start the timer.  If they talk or get off during their time you start the timer over again.  Again, DON'T TALK TO THEM.  You can talk about them to others in the room, "Oh honey!  Listen to that!  Noah is quiet.  That means I can start the timer."  or "Hey Max, Noah only has two minutes left.  Do you think he can keep it up and not talk?"

They will most likely test the limits.  We've had a few times of Noah doing this and having a 6 minute (one minute for every year they are old) NS session turn into an hour and a half and then 45 min later after he got off the spot do it again for another 90 minutes.  It was HARD. We've been late for church, had to have him take a note into school to tell his teacher because he was late, but he eventually complied.  Then he started doing a really good job complying.  For a while.  Then he kept getting off.  That's when he needed to have more consequences for getting off and we introduced the "Level Chart".  This has worked wonders.  REALLY WONDERS. Now we do the Level Chart with the Naughty Spot and he will very rarely go on the NS and will stay on.  Noah used to be on the Naughty Spot anywhere from 1-10 times a day.  We've been doing the Level Chart with the Naughty Spot for a month  now and he's only goes on the NS once or twice a week if that.

Hallelujah!

I can't live without the Level Chart.  But I'm saving that post for another day.

Parenting 101: Postive Reinforcement

(Again, not the expert here!  Just sharing what we learned in our class and what we've been trying hard to do in our family.)

Basically, you should be giving waaayyyy more positive reinforcements than negative.  I think the ratio is like 1:15 or something like that.  Work this in as constantly as possible for the best results.  I've noticed that the more positive reinforcement I use the better their behavior is and the more positive all of our attitudes are.  I've noticed that most of Noah's negative behavior comes when there is not a positive attitude in our home.  I've noticed that when he's in the middle of a string of bad choices, if I can start finding good things he is doing, even if they are teeny tiny good things, and I praise him for them, he will most often turn his choices, attitude, and behavior around.

Things to Consider:

1.  It should not take a lot of time or money.

2.  You should find out what the kids want to work for periodically by asking them.  In this conversation, guide them by letting them know that these things should not take a lot of time or cost a lot of money.

3.  Variety is the spice of life.  Even the best incentive looses its value if used too often.

4.  Research shows that adult praise is one of the most effective positive reinforcers.

Positive Reinforcement Ideas:

1.  Verbal praise from you - Be specific.  You can say, "You're such a good boy." but add specifically why they are a good boy.  "Noah, you are such a good boy.  I love it when you pick up your toys."

2.  "Super Praise" - When you praise a child's good behavior, the closer in time to the actual deed the better, in front of another adult with them present.

3.  High fives (We do "high five parties" at our house which means that we repeatedly do high fives for about 10 seconds while I say "High five party!" over and over again with a big smile on my face.), pats on the back, hugs, kisses, a smile, winks, fist bumps, "sparkle fingers", "secret" handshakes, etc.  Get creative.

4.  Anything small they say they want to work for. 

5.  Get a spin on the spin chart.  (I'll explain.)

6.  Earn a penny for their piggy bank.

7.  Give them play money that they collect to do an auction with at the end of the day, or week.  The auction is for small treats or dollar toys.

8.  Sticker charts, fill up the container with beans and when filled get something...

Those are just a few ideas. 

Spin Chart:

We got this actual chart at our class and it's hanging on our fridge.  When I notice something they've done really well I will tell them they get a spin.  What they spin is what they get.  You brain storm with your kids to figure out the top 4 small things they want to work for most.  You correlate the one they want most in the smallest spot on the spin wheel and so forth. 

My sister is doing this too and some things our kids have put on the spin chart are: 10 min of playtime with Mommy where they get to choose our activity, 15 min to play on the IPad, a "Tickle Chase" (We chase them around the house all giggling and when we catch them we tickle them.), Chose to play outside, Story time with Mom, Chose a Treat, an ice cream cone (Did you know Arctic Circle gives out FREE kiddie cones, even through the drive through?), a dollar to spend later at a Dollar Store. 

The very smallest spot on the spin chart is for the "Mystery Motivator".  Buy a bunch of small toys in the party section of any store or at the Dollar Store and put them in a paper bag.  Child gets to pick something without looking from this bag when they land here.  This is my children's favorite spot to land on.

Piggy Banks:

I bought these for $1.25 each and every week or so I stop at the bank and get $1 worth of pennies.  My kids are only 3 and 6 and don't quite understand the value of a penny, which I happily exploit to my benefit!  :)  When they do things I want to give them positive reinforcement for I give them a penny to put in their banks.  We keep their banks in a central location (our kitchen) and they can't touch them without mommy's help.  I just keep a roll of pennies in my pocket at all times and have fun surprising them.  $1 of pennies is ONE HUNDRED things I want them to do.  That's a pretty good price!  I give these to them after they do something I like; this is a RE-inforcement, not an ENforcement.

When their piggy banks are filled our kids are going to change them in for cash that Mommy will keep "safe" for them and when we go to China they will get to spend the money there on little things they want.  We'd probably buy those things for them in China anyway, and this way I get 100s of things out of them that I want them to do and they learnd to work and feel good about themselves!

Parenting Class 101: Coercion Cycle & Precision Commands

A few people have left me comments wondering about the parenting class we took and what we learned and have implemented in our family.  I am far from an expert at parenting, but I thought I'd do a few posts about what we're doing.  We are certainly learning and will never be perfect parents, but we are trying.  (Can I get an "Amen"?!)

The class we took was hosted by the Davis School District and taught by an amazing teacher, Wendy Thorson.  I'm not sure where she got her techniques from, but they are working great for our family.  Wendy is the teacher in one of the District's "Behavioral Units" which means that she's taught children who have a hard time having correct behavior in school for lots of different reasons.  She uses these techniques in her classroom and used them with her children when she was raising them.

By the way, Wendy teaches these classes just about every month at EG King Elementary and the cost is $50 a couple with a refund of $15 at the end if you go to every class.  You don't need to have a child in EG King to go.

Coercion Cycle

This is basically when the parent asks a child to do something, the child doesn't do it and instead responds with and excuse, then the parent asks again, the child doesn't do it but gives another excuse, and on and on and on.  For instance:

Me -"Noah, go clean your room."

Noah - "No, I'm playing."

Me - "Noah, you need to clean your room before you play."

Noah - "Not right now!!  I'm fixing this!"

Me - "You can fix that later.  Right now it's time to clean your room."

Noah - "If I do it, will you give me a treat?"

Me - "No.  Go clean your room!"

Noah - "I want a little treat from the treat jar!"

Me - "Ok.  You can have a treat if you go clean your room."

Noah - "But I'm not done playing yet!  I just want to do this one thing."

and on, and on, and on.  Don't tell me this doesn't happen in your home because I'm 100% convinced it happens, or something like it, in every home in America.  Kids are great manipulators and they learn as early as a few months old to get what they really want.  So, how do you stop that?  With Precision Commands.  It goes like this:

Precision Commands:

Step One (Give the first command.  Use an authoritative voice.  You are not asking.  Always start by saying their first name.)

Me - "Noah, go clean your room."

Noah - "No, I'm playing."

***very important:  Stand still watching them, make eye contact, WAIT 5-10 seconds for them to comply WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING ELSE.  Most likely they will be talking, giving all the other excuses they can think of, trying to manipulate and find a way out.  You just stand, look at them, and wait.  If they do comply, you give them lots of good praise.  If they don't you move on to step 2.

Step Two (Give the second command.  Use authoritative voice.  Begin by stating their name and use please at the end.  Do NOT say please like it's a question.  Please is used as a "cue" word for them to know you are serious.)

Me - "Noah, Go clean your room right now please."

Noah - "I want to do this one thing first."

Again, stand still watching them and making eye contact.  Wait 5-10 seconds for them to comply without saying anything else.  If they comply give them lots of good praise.  If they don't move on to step 3.

Step Three (Give last command.  Use authoritative voice making eye contact.  Begin by stating their name and use the words "you need to" which is their "cue" word.)

Me - "Noah, you need to go clean your room right now or you will be on the naughty spot."

Stand still watching, making eye contact, and waiting 5-10 seconds for them to comply.  If they do comply give them lots of good praise and if they don't place them on the naughty spot.

The most important thing is to not say anything else other than your command, which shouldn't change other than the cue words and at the end the consequence, and to wait 5-10 seconds with each command.  Every person needs a few seconds to process a request, to think about their decision, and to make it.